


Why can't we be like this

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxious Mickey, Bipolar Ian, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Happy endings as always in my stories, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: Mickey and Ian are best friends since childhood. Mickey is in love with Ian and has been for years but Ian doesn't know Mickey is gay and in love with him too. At Ian's birthday party Mickey cant hold back on his feelings anymore and tells Ian his secret.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This did not turn out how I wanted it to but I'll share it anyway.
> 
> This is a 2 chapter story. I was going to wait but I am posting it now so I will have no choice to finish the last chapter. Also need to point out Ian is 20 and Mickey is 21.

Mickey wished he never agreed to going to this party for Ian's birthday at the gay bar where they both worked for the last two years on the Northside. But the deal he made with Mandy was that he would go just once it wasnt in their apartment that he shared with Ian. The other part of that deal was that Mandy would stay away from the apartment for the whole month along with free weed and she agreed on all terms.

Mickey Milkovich never lost out on a good bargain and this was a good one in his opinion because it was free weed from Mandy for a month and no strangers in his apartment too along with no annoying sister arriving when ever she felt like showing up. But he knew the only reason he agreed to go to it in first place was because the party was for Ian and he would never admit it out loud to anyone but he would do anything for Ian.

He had been best friends with Ian for as long as he could remember and along with that he was in love with Ian for years. But he just hated he never had the guts to do anything about it and it didnt help that no one knew he was gay especially Ian. He tried to tell Ian years ago but he didnt have the nerve to do it especially since Terry was out of jail and roaming the streets so Mickey just kept quiet out of fear that Terry would find out and kill him for it.

Even when Ian told him about his own sexuality when they were younger Mickey told him he didnt care but not to let anyone find out especially Terry because he would kill him if he found out. Mickey tried to tell Ian he was gay three years ago when Ian was seventeen but that was when Ian's disorder started so he never said a word about it at all. He decided Ian needed a friend a lot more and just never got around to telling Ian the truth.

He felt even worse knowing that Ian wouldnt care because Ian told him he was gay when they were younger but Mickey was still in denial back in those days. Any time he tried to tell Ian the truth and that he loved him more than just a friend he bottled out of it due to thinking he wasnt good enough for Ian. He was sitting on one of the seats at the bar drinking a bottle of beer while looking around the room before settling his gaze on the tall red head that he adored way too much for his own liking.

The bar was busy with the normal regulars and some of Ian's friends from the bar and Mandy on the other side of the room. Mickey left them to it hating the fact that some guy was all over Ian and he couldnt look at them anymore which was why he was now sitting at the bar ordering a stronger drink. He felt the anxiety build up in him as he bit his lip wondering if he should tell Ian how he felt. The only reason he hadnt said anything yet was because he was afraid he would make an idiot of himself and Ian would laugh at him too.

Mickey shifted a little in his seat as he gripped his beer bottle tightly in his hand wondering if he made a run for it now would Ian notice he left. But he didnt want to leave either but he really hated himself for freezing and not being able to interact with anyone. But the room just felt too claustrophobic which was why he was over at the bar on his own trying to calm himself down.

But it wasnt working as he felt that pull in his mind dragging him underwater and choking him with his own thoughts as the whispers in his mind told him he didnt belong here. That he should just leave because no one wanted him here and they wouldnt notice if he left but he ignored them because he was only staying here for Ian. He decided he wasnt leaving because he knew Ian would probably notice because he always did and he knew Ian wanted him here too and he didnt want to let Ian down.

He was broken from his thoughts when he heard laughter over the loud music and he knew it was Ian and he couldnt stop himself from slightly smiling because he loved seeing Ian happy. When he looked over a little he saw Ian in the middle of telling what looked like a funny story and Mickey really wished he could just walk over there but he just felt glued to the spot. He slightly shook his head at himself hating that he felt so insecure and that he wasnt good enough to be in the room.

He took a drink of his beer while looking at Ian not able to deny to himself just how much he loved his best friend. Ever since Ian's diagnosis Mickey just felt himself start to love Ian more and more each day. Ian just made him want to be better, he made him feel stronger, when he was around Ian he felt like he could do anything because Ian was intoxicating and in a good way.

As he looked at the tall, dorky redhead making an idiot of himself and not caring who was looking Mickey realized he had just given up on fighting his feelings for Ian and he didnt know when that happened or cared. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand before he slightly laughed to himself at Ian being an idiot across the room. He drank some of his beer knowing Ian got under his skin a long time ago and he was done fighting against it.

He knew Ian wasnt drinking because he couldnt due to the fact he was on medications for his disorder and he wanted to remain stable. Both of them had been through too much together before Ian worked on getting stable. Mickey knew Ian would never throw that stablility away especially since he nearly got killed in an accident during a manic episode before he got stable. He really wanted to tell Ian how he felt but he was afraid Ian would laugh at him, tell him he wasnt good enough or that he didnt feel the same way.

It was why Mickey kept quiet about his feelings because while he was afraid for those reasons he also didnt want to lose Ian as a friend because he didnt know what he would do without Ian if he lost him for good. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he heard a voice "the fuck you doing over here on your own" curiously. Mickey rubbed his eyes fingers before groaning "the fuck do you want Mandy" tiredly wishing she would go away and leave him to look at Ian in peace and be bitter about what he can never have in his life with his best friend.

Mandy wasnt having it as she ordered another drink before she replied "just want to know why youre sitting over here like you want to be somewhere else since you and Ian normally come in a package" lightly before laughing to herself. Mickey took a drink of his beer before replying "didnt think you would invite this many, you know I hate big crowds and this place is too fucking small" firmly hoping that would keep her quiet.

It didnt since she just nudged him with her shoulder looking at him replying "I didnt, I only asked a few people Ian likes and that was it" firmly. Mandy felt like shit because she knew her brother freaked out around small spaces and too many people. She also knew the only reason he was putting up with it for this long was because of the deal she made with him and that Ian was his best friend and would want him there too.

Mandy nudged him again and when he looked at her she told him "I only asked a few people you both work with but word got out at the bar and well now we have gatecrashers even though they are regulars, turns out Ian is more popular that we thought" humouredly. Mickey scoffed in disbelief almost hissing out "fucking assholes" angrily. Mandy knew her brother was standing off on his own so he could have some space as she replied "I'm going to tell them to fuck off in a while since they werent asked" firmly before looking out over the room.

Mickey groaned rubbing his face with his hand replying "no dont, leave it" softly not adding Ian is happy so leave him alone. Mandy looked over at him fighting a small smile blurting out "you must really fucking like him as a friend if your putting up with this shit" humouredly. Mickey scoffed into his glass of whiskey in front of him "he's my fucking best friend and he deserves to be happy so leave him alone" defensively before tossing back his drink.

Mandy laughed as she drank some more beer replying "yeah good point" lightly knowing it was true but she didnt get what the hell her brother's problem was all night. They fell into a comfortable silence before she leaned over nudging him with her shoulder again telling him "do something about it before its too late" firmly. He looked over at her not convinced at all and it showed on his face asking "the fuck you on about" hoping she hadnt seen right through him at all.

Mandy rolled her eyes replying "whoever the hell your staring daggers at, fix your fucking problem or just forget about it" firmly. Mickey laughed not wanting to talk about it anymore replying "whatever" hoping she would go away so he could look at Ian discreetly from a distance. He just wanted to imagine walking over there and take what was his by kissing the shit out of Ian but he would never really do it because he was too scared.

She didnt replying "I'm fucking serious, I dont know what your problem is right now but sort if the fuck out, Terry isnt here to kill us you know" firmly. Mickey looked over at his sister wondering why that name came up since he hadnt thought of that piece of shit in years but he went with it as a distraction blurting out "trying to " softly. Mickey didnt tell her that he was gay and was in love with Ian because he didnt know how she would react but it looked like she wouldnt care at all.

Mandy backed off a little seeing her brother was getting pissed off with her replying "good but everytime you stop yourself from being happy youre letting the asshole win, stop letting the monster inside your head win" softly. Mickey cleared his throat as he looked over his shoulder at Ian thinking she may be right but it was just so hard the break the habit of a life time.

When he looked back at his sister she added "the asshole is in jail for life with no chance of parole, start living your life and stop being so scared of whatever it is the fuck your scared of" firmly. Mickey wondered what she meant by that, did she know the truth about him being gay. He hated that she knew he was scared but didnt know what to say so slightly shook his head and finished off the glass of whiskey in his hand as he felt Mandy grip his shoulder with hand before she walked away.

Mickey looked up to see Ian talking to some other people and decided he couldnt take all of this anymore. He couldnt stand not knowing how Ian felt about him because sometimes he thought Ian loved him too. When they lay in bed together or lay on the sofa together wrapped up in each others arms watching shitty movies and talking about anything and everything even if it was something stupid.

And when Ian meds stopped working and needed to be changed Mickey always lay in bed with him so Ian wouldnt be alone. Mickey bit his lip before turning his back to Ian as he got lost in his thoughts again and if he looked behind him he would have seen Ian's concerned expression and that Ian noticed something was wrong because Ian always noticed when something was up with Mickey.

Mickey just wanted to go home and he wondered if Ian would notice if he left but he knew Ian would because Ian noticed everything about him which pissed him off at times. Mickey drank some of his beer before putting the bottle back down on the bar and ran his hand through his hair in frustration or defeat mumbling "fuck my life" softly. Mickey knew he wasnt even drunk since he cut down on his drinking ever since Ian was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and couldnt drink due to his medications.

Ever since Ian got stable Mickey cut down on his drinking a lot because he hated being the only one drunk when they went out to a bar together or at home and Ian was sober. Mickey didnt know if he could do it anymore knowing Ian had gotten completely under his skin as he bit his lip before letting out a tired sigh whispering "the fuck am I going to do" softly as he stared at the bar not able to hide just how hopeless he felt inside.

He wondered if Mandy was right and that he should tell Ian and put himself out of his misery but he was just so afraid of losing Ian for good and he was afraid it would happen and he hated that he felt that way. Mickey just couldnt imagine life without Ian because they were friends since childhood that now lived together for the last few years when Ian's disorder made an appearance and he was trying to get some stability and control over being bipolar.

Ian couldnt put up with his family micro managing his life and his disorder for him so when he suggested to Mickey they should get an apartment somewhere Mickey jumped at the chance especially since Terry landed himself in jail for murder on a drug deal gone wrong years ago. They had been living in their apartment for two years together when Mickey realized he liked Ian more than just a friend but he remained silent on his feelings because was afraid Ian wouldnt see him as more than just a friend.

* * *

 

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt strong arms wrap around him from behind and body pressing right up against his back and he knew it was Ian because he would recognize that smell anywhere. He leaned back into the embrace while fighting a small smile that was breaking across his face. He felt Ian run a hand across his chest and rest his chin on his shoulder and the side of his head against Mickey's blurting out "what are you doing over here, I missed you" curiously knowing it wasnt a lie.

Ian had noticed something was wrong with his friend a while ago and was trying to go over to him but couldnt since people kept talking to him but he eventually got away. Mickey looked at Ian as he reached around lightly gripping Ian's hip pulling him closer even though there was no space between them replying "was just getting a drink and talking to Mandy for a while" not wanting to say the real reason why he was over here on his own.

Ian seemed satisfied with the answer as he kissed the top of Mickey's head before sitting on the seat beside Mickey and ordering a non alcoholic beer and a beer for his friend. Ian pulled his seat over so their shoulders were touching before he took a drink of his beer and put it down not able to stop blurting out "I miss not being able to have a proper beer" softly. Mickey looked over replying "at least you dont have hangovers anymore" humouredly but he got Ian's point too.

Ian slightly laughed nodding in agreement replying "yeah good point" as he looked at his hands that were wrapped about the bottle. There was comfortable silence before Ian looked up replying "its just annoying when people give me shit for not drinking, they always want to know why even though I just say I dont like alcohol, I dont tell them its because of the meds since its not their fucking business the real reason why I dont drink" icily.

Mickey rubbed his hand up and down Ian's back looking at him replying "those assholes dont know shit so dont listen to them, youre fucking better than them and they fucking know it" firmly. Ian softly laughed looking at Mickey with a soft smile on his face wishing he came over here sooner but he felt like had to play nice since it was Mandy that threw the party for his birthday.

Ian moved his seat right up against Mickey so they were sitting right up against each other blurting out "I didnt even want this party but Mandy wanted it, said I deserved it because I went through so much shit over the last few years with the bipolar showing up" softly. Mickey softly laughed resting his arm over Ian's shoulders looking at him replying "yeah well even if you told her you didnt want it she would still go ahead with it" lightly.

Ian nodded in agreement looking back at him not even hesitating replying "I would have been quite happy at home with you watching shitty movies, would have preferred it actually" softly not hiding just how much he meant what he said to his friend. Mickey drank some of his beer and looked at the bar top trying to hide the flustered look on his face knowing that Ian was serious but not knowing that Ian noticed it but didnt say anything about it at all.

Ian wasnt lying when he said that because he loved his best friend so much especially since he grew much closer to Mickey when he was struggling to come terms with his disorder. Ian knew he had feelings for Mickey but he never acted on them because he was afraid he would lose his best friend for good and he felt like Mickey deserved better than him so he remained silent.

Plus he also wasnt sure if Mickey was gay but there were times he thought he might be like when they lay in bed together or on the sofa watching shitty movies. He knew Mickey never showed any interest in girls but he also knew that ever since his bipolar made its appearance Mickey was just glued to his side not that he cared about that but it just made it harder to not love his best friend.

Ian slid his arm around Mickey's lower back resting his head on his shoulder and breathing in the smell he loved so much before letting out a content sigh knowing he had enough entertainment for one night. Mickey looked over at Ian and lightly ran his hand through his hair thinking he could never get tired of these moments with Ian asking "you want to go home" curiously.

Ian shrugged blurting out before he could stop it "dont care just once youre here" softly feeling his thoughts drift to somewhere else. Ian just felt so alone all night especially at seeing some of the couples in the room and he hated it because they had what he wanted and would never have at all because his disorder was a deal breaker for guys. They only guy that didnt care was Mickey and Ian just wished his friend loved him back but he was too afraid to find out the truth.

Mickey was the only one who didnt give a shit he was bipolar because he looked after him when he was denial in the early stages of his disorder. He helped him get some stability and come to terms with being bipolar along with going with him to the clinc when his meds needed to be changed and lay in bed with him when the meds stopped working. Ian just wished Mickey liked him back and he couldnt lie to himself anymore that he was in love with his best friend and couldnt get him out his head no matter how he tried.

He just loved the bad attitude that went with snarky comments and sarcasm and a sense of humour that Ian knew he loved a lot. Ian wondered why everything felt so easy with Mickey who didnt give a shit about his disorder since it made its appearance when Ian was seventeen. Ian just completely trusted Mickey, he felt safe with him, felt like he could say what he really felt and thought and Mickey would never judge him for it either.

Ian trusted Mickey with his life so much that he put his best friend down as his emergency contact if something happened to him if he was manic or depressed. It wasnt that he didnt love his family he just knew Mickey would be able to handle it if something happened to him because his family would be too busy freaking out over what to do. Mickey was his support system and even though Fiona was hurt over it Ian didnt really care because he loved and trusted his best friend to take care of him more than his family.

When Ian's disorder was starting to make an appearance it was Mickey that looked out for him, got him to a hospital and helped him deal with his turned upside down life and the fact he would be on medications for the rest of his life. Mickey was there for him all the time, listened to him talk and helped him deal with getting stable and never judged him at all. He was also there for Ian when he was getting used to new medications if the old ones stopped working.

Ian didnt know how he would have gotten through the last three years without his best friend and he was scared of a life without Mickey in it which was why he remained silent about his feelings. Ian shifted closer to Mickey looking at an empty glass on the bar top blurting out before he could stop it not hiding the sadness in his voice "why does no one love me, is it because I'm crazy" softly.

Ian just felt so alone all the time and he hated it adding "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, I know it, you'll find someone who loves you and forget about me" softly. Mickey heard it all and looked at Ian not hiding how hurt he looked snapping "fuck no, I could never forget about you, dont want to either so fuck you for thinking that" firmly. Ian looked up and saw how hurt Mickey looked at his words shyly asking "really" softly.

Mickey rubbed his face with his hand pulling Ian closer to him tightly gripping his shoulder knowing he needed to say it looking at Ian blurting out "I like you Ian a lot more than a friend fucking should, have for a fucking long time" firmly as Ian silently looked at him in shock. Ian didnt know what to say as his brain went into meltdown and he hated that Mickey just looked more and more freaked out by the second.

Mickey took Ian's shocked expression as rejection standing up forcing out "forget it, should have said nothing" before nearly running out of the bar. It forced Ian out of his thoughts and he hated that the second he got everything he ever wanted his stupid brain froze because he wasnt expecting his best friend to feel the same way and he wasnt even sure he was gay until now.

He quickly followed Mickey outside into the cold night air hating Mickey looked a mixture of angry, frustrated and hurt like he was expecting to be rejected and Ian knew Mickey took his silence as rejection instead of as shock that Mickey liked him a lot. But he couldnt see Mickey anywhere and he even checked the alleyway beside the bar but Mickey wasnt there either and Ian didnt know where to look for his friend.

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration deciding he wasnt in the mood anymore for the party so walked back into the bar deciding he was going home. He grabbed his coat from behind the bar before he walked over to Mandy who was at the bar talking to some girl and tapped her on the shoulder. When Mandy looked at him she asked "hey you okay" slurring her words a little.

Ian almost laughed at her being drunk looking at her replying "I'm kind of tired and its getting late, I'm going to go home but thanks for tonight, I really appreciate it" hoping Mandy didnt notice the sadness in his voice. She didnt as she hugged Ian tightly and let him go looking at him replying "its cool" firmly. Ian softly nodded and smiled at her before leaving the bar and walking the long way back to his apartment in the dark so he had time think over just what happened with Mickey.


	2. Chapter 2

As Ian walked home he was so angry at himself for reacting the way he did and he felt like the worst friend in history for his reaction. Mickey had come out to him and all he did was stare at him in shock and say nothing at all. He hated himself even more for Mickey thinking that he was rejecting him and he also hated that Mickey thought so little of himself that he immediately thought Ian's silence was a rejection.

Ian wasnt rejecting Mickey but he was just shocked because he didnt even know Mickey was gay, he just thought Mickey wasnt interested in anyone in that way. Even though they were best friends Ian completely understood why Mickey stayed quiet about the whole thing and it had to do with his father. Ian knew if Terry found out Mickey was gay he would kill him for it in a second.

Even when Ian came out to Mickey all those years ago when he was sixteen he told Ian that he didnt care because they were still best friends and he would never say anything at all to anyone. But he also warned Ian to make sure Terry never found out because he would kill him and it was for that reason that Ian understood why Mickey kept quiet. Ian just hated that Mickey struggled with that all on his own and he wasnt there to support his friend.

He hated that even more than that Mickey was there for him all the time especially when his disorder made its apperance and Ian couldnt return the favour. Ian didnt know why he reacted the way he did and even when he tried to find a reason nothing came to mind except that Mickey would never see him that way. But from seeing the way Mickey looked so hurt and sad Ian knew he fucked up and he didnt know how to fix it but he was going to try because he wasnt losing the best thing to ever happen to him over this mess.

* * *

 

When he got back to his apartment and shut the door behind him he took off his coat and threw it on the chair beside the door. He turned around to see Mickey standing at the sink staring at the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as fast as he could get it down and Ian knew he was trying to get as drunk as he could to forget the pain he felt. Ian walked over to the sink and stood in front of his friend looking at him telling him sincerely "I'm sorry, I know I reacted badly, I just wasnt expecting it and I'm so sorry for freaking out" firmly not hiding just how much he meant his words.

Mickey looked up and saw just how hurt Ian looked and he knew Ian meant what he said replying "its okay, its not like I told you" trying but failing to hide the sadness in his voice. There was a short silence as Ian stepped a little closer to Mickey hesitantly asking "why did you run away" softly. Mickey scoffed looking at the floor as he drank some whiskey from the bottle in his hand before replying "you dont have to follow me, just say you dont like me and we're good" not adding I know I'm not good enough for you.

Ian stepped closer to his friend standing in front of him still not hiding how sorry he was replying "I didnt mean it like that, just wasnt expecting it, you never told me and you know I wouldnt have cared you were gay considering I am gay" softly. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand wishing he could take it all back forcing out "look I'm not trying to force you into anything, we're just friends, I get it so just say we're done and I'll move my stuff out tomorrow" defensively.

Ian looked hurt and punched Mickey on his shoulder replying "fuck you asshole, fuck you for thinking that shit and that I would want you gone" angrily. Mickey saw just how hurt Ian looked at that suggestion and didnt hide how guilty he felt from his expression mumbling "just thought you wouldnt want me here" in a whisper. Ian heard it replying "I do want you here" firmly not adding you dont know how much I need you which is all the time.

Mickey drank some more whiskey before turning around and screwing the cap back onto the bottle and putting back into the press above his head deciding he had enough alcohol for one night still not able to look at Ian hating that he hurt him again. Ian stepped closer hesitantly blurting out "dont make my decisions for me, I dont want you to leave, your still my best friend" hating that he was getting his words mixed up.

Mickey bitterly scoffed turning back around while crossing his arms across his chest and leaned back against the counter looking at the floor forcing out "that's all I am to you, yeah should have known" trying but failing to hide the hurt in his voice. Ian wasnt having it snapping "can you fucking let me talk" angrily. Mickey looked up at Ian silently glaring at him before snapping "fine" firmly.

Ian moved a little closer reaching to grab Mickey's hand in his own but held it tighter when Mickey tried to pull his hand back but he gave up and let Ian lightly grip his hand. Ian looked down at their hands before standing right in front of Mickey resting his other hand on his hip lightly gripping it hesitantly replying "I love you too, have for a long while now but I just thought you werent interested in relationships which was why I never said anything" softly. Mickey snapped his head up not hiding his shock blurting out "what" not adding you mean as a friend.

Ian noticed his hesistance blurting out "youre more than just a friend to me, I want more, just thought you didnt feel the same way, didnt even know you were gay since you never told me" shyly. Mickey softly grinned but looked down at his hand wrapped Ian's shyly replying "yeah me too" softly. Ian didnt even hide the smile from his face or look away stepping right up against Mickey pushing him back against the counter asking "how long" curiously.

Mickey groaned rolling his eyes using his other hand to lightly grip the front of Ian's tshirt and pulled him closer while looking over Ian's shoulder stumbling over what to say before hesitatntly blurting out "since around the time your disorder showed up, we got pretty close over that and well you know" falling silent not knowing what else to say. Ian's jaw dropped not able to hide his shock replying "that was three years ago, why didnt you say anything" firmly.

Mickey scoffed shaking his head cagily responding "yeah why the fuck didnt you say anything" firmly. Ian deflated blurting out "yeah okay" softly knowing it was a good point. There was a silence before Ian looked down at their hands blurting out "it was the same for me too, knowing that you cared and you didnt give a shit just made me love you but I was scared I would lose you for good, if you didnt feel the same way" softly.

Mickey completely got it gripping the back of Ian's neck lightly squeezing it while stepping right up against Ian looking at him replying "same here, I didnt want to lose you" softly. Ian looked up with a small smile and looked all over Mickey's face not able to hide the longing in his expression while slightly swaying where he stood not able to look away and he didnt want to either.

Mickey looked back at him intensely before crashing his lips to ian's not able to stop himself from smiling as Ian kissed him back just as hard and Mickey just wished he did this years ago. When they leaned back to get some air into their lungs and they stared at each other Ian wanted to ask a load of questions asking "why didnt you say anything" curiously with no anger in his voice.

Mickey didnt want to talk about it right now as he lightly rubbed his fingers along Ian's ribs while looking over Ian's face and into his eyes before blurting out "you want to chit chat more or you want to get on me" confidently. Ian grinned resting his forehead against Mickey's bumping their noses together while resting his hands on Mickey's hips lightly squeezing them with his fingers replying "yeah" softly.

Ian kissed Mickey again before grabbing his hands in his own looking at him with nothing but want and need on his expression whispering "come lets go to my room, not doing this shit here, I've been wanting this with you for years" softly. Mickey softly laughed looking down at the floor replying "yeah whatever" hating how flusterd he looked over the way Ian was looking at him as he felt his embarrasment from earlier disappear. Neither one of the was able to hide their excitment with both of them knowing they wanted this for a long time.

* * *

 

The next morning Mickey woke up in Ian's bed between the wall and with Ian wrapped around him from behind as he stared at the wall while rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his fingers. He felt warm wrapped up in Ian's arms under the covers hating that he was afraid that last night was all just a dream but as he moved back against Ian and felt his warm body against his back he knew it wasnt a dream.

He felt Ian tighten his arms around his waist and nuzzle his neck with his face and he knew the red head was awake but he couldnt stop the small smile on his face at Ian's gesture. Mickey knew the only reason felt like this was because he never expected Ian to like him back nevermind having a boyfriend too even though he didnt know where they stood on that just yet.

The fact that Ian was his best friend since as long as he could remember was an added bonus. Mickey was just suprised Ian chose him of all people because Mickey never really accepted his sexuality the way Ian had especially since they moved into their apartment. He vaugely felt Ian leave light kisses on his shoulder and the back of his neck and rub his hand over his stomach and Mickey knew Ian was awake so turned around to see Ian grin at him mumbling "hey" softly.

Mickey softly laughed pushing his leg between Ian's and wrapping his arms around him pulling Ian closer to him replying "hey" just as Ian kissed him lightly on the lips. They silently looked at each other for a few seconds not able to contain just how happy they both looked as Ian lightly ran his fingers along Mickey's spine. Mickey really wanted to hate the effect Ian had on him and he really wanted to hate that he wanted more of this with Ian but he knew it was lie because he could never get enough of Ian.

But he was still scared that this was just a one time thing blurting out before he could stop it looking at Ian asking "is this just a one time thing" softly. Ian looked annoyed at that grabbing the back of Mickey's head with his hand not looking away replying "no not for me it isnt unless its what you want" firmly. Mickey bit his lip to stop the smile on his face but the happiness showed in his eyes as he looked at Ian telling him "no I dont, I want this, I want us whatever this is" falling silent not knowing what to say.

Ian narrowed his eyes hating he had no chill but he needed to know shyly asking "so you want to be boyfriends" hesitantly. Mickey softly laughed not hiding the smile from his face replying "you have no fucking chill" as he ran his hand along Ian's ribs under the covers feeling Ian's warm skin under his hands. There was silence as he thought about it knowing his answer already not even hesitating "yeah I do" firmly.

Ian softly grinned looking over Mickey's face while mentally kicking himself for not noticing Mickey liked him back for years but figured it was better late than never. Ian rested his hand on the back on Mickey's neck while lightly kissing him on the lips before silently looking at him wondering if he should even ask but decided to anyway blurting out "how come you never told me, how long have you known" curiously.

Mickey bit his lip looking down at Ian's shoulder while lightly rubbing his fingers across Ian's back knowing Ian deserved answers but he just didnt know where to start. He felt Ian pull him closer and cleared his throat forcing out "think I always knew but just didnt want to admit it, I wasnt okay with it not until you told me you were gay when you were sixteen and then I started to be okay with it but I was just so afraid of Terry finding out that I denied it to myself for a long time" softly.

Ian hated that he never noticed it replying "I'm sorry for not being there" softly. Mickey wasnt having it looking at him replying "its not your fault Ian, you know who my dad is, he hates people like us, the only reason I am okay with it now is because I know he is jail doing time for double murder with no chance of parole" firmly and Ian slightly nodded knowing that was true. Just before Ian's disorder started and Terry landed in jail for life there were many times Mickey showed up at Ian's door beaten to within an inch of his life and covered in blood and bruises at the hands of Terry.

Ian would take him inside and clean him up before they would get into Ian's bed and Ian would hold Mickey in his arms all night just wanting to be there for his best friend and let him know he wasnt alone and never would be too. Ian lightly ran his thumb along the back of Mickey's neck still looking at him replying "he cant hurts us, no chance of him getting out this time, they made the charges stick so we're free" softly.

Mickey knew there was some truth to that but the homophobic shit Terry put into his head over the years still had an effect on him but he was working on it hesitating as he looked up at Ian replying "I'm trying but its hard to feel like that, keep thinking he's going to barge through the fucking door and kill us" not hiding the sadness in his voice. Mickey knew Ian wouldnt judge him hesitantly whispering "I'm scared Ian, I'm just about okay with being gay but I'm scared of other people knowing, I mean what if it gets back to Terry, he can still get to me" hating that there was a hint of fear in his voice.

Ian wasnt having it pulling Mickey closer to him looking straight at him replying "I wont let him hurt you" firmly. Mickey softly laughed snapping "yeah you and whose army" not able to stop himself from being defensive. They fell into another silence before Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian pulling them right up against each other even though there was no space left between them in the bed. Their foreheads were touching and Mickey felt Ian's breath fan out over his face and for a second Mickey hated himself for keeping quiet because he could have had this here right now a lot sooner.

He anxiously bit his lip before looking at Ian blurting out "just wish I said something sooner" sadly. Ian lightly shoved against him asking "why didnt you" curiously with no anger in his voice. Mickey shrugged his shoulder hesitantly replying "wanted to, was going to but then the bipolar was starting up and then I decided you were more important, you needed me more" before falling silent. Ian couldnt stop himself from smiling replying "I always need you" knowing it wasnt a lie because it was the truth. Mickey softly laughed feeling shy at Ian's words hesitantly blurting out "yeah me too" softly.

There was another silence as Mickey anxiously bit his lip looking down at Ian's chest knowing it was the only way he could say this blurting out "I think we became closer over the last three years, realized a while ago I love you, wanted to tell you sooner but just didnt know how to say it until last night when you said you would be alone forever and no one would love you because youre bipolar, needed to tell you that I love you so I did" shyly while feeling suprised at how easy it was to say all of what he just said to Ian.

Ian hugged him tighter while grinning at him not looking away replying "I love you too, have for a long while, just didnt want to lose my best friend over it" firmly. Mickey lightly kicked Ian's foot with his own even though their legs were all tangled up as he looked at him replying "like you said to me last night, you'll never lose me Ian, I fucking mean it" firmly not hiding the seriousness of his words.

Ian picked up on it not hiding his surprise shyly asking "really" needing the reassurance. Mickey knew Ian needed reassurance from time to time because he was so insecure especially over his disorder firmly replying "yeah, its you me us, everyone else can fuck off, we dont need anyone else so fucking remember that okay" firmly. Ian softly laughed not looking away from his boyfriend replying "yeah I will" softly.

They silently looked at each other before Mickey rested his hand on Ian's neck and kissed him lightly groaning when Ian kissed him back just as hard and intensely while letting his hands roam all over Mickey's body. Mickey didnt know what it was about Ian that made him feel so wanted and loved because he never got that from anyone else in his life not even his only family.

It was just Ian who made him feel that way and he realized he had something to lose and he hated that realization blurting out before he could stop it "I'm not good enough for you" sadly. Ian looked at him replying "yeah you are, I could say the same for you" softly. Mickey wasnt having it replying "you are good enough for me, I just want you, no one else" not adding I'm scared you will leave me for them when you realize they are right.

Ian seemed to notice what Mickey wasn't saying as he lightly stroked the back of Mickey's head looking at him replying "same for me about you but I don't want anyone else and never will" firmly. Mickey bit his lip looking downwards trying to hide his embarrassment at Ian's words and the way Ian was looking at him so intensely with nothing but want, need and love in his eyes.

Mickey didnt even look away from Ian shyly blurting out "yeah same here" knowing he didnt regret a word of it because he meant it. He didnt think he could love Ian any more than he already did but it looked like it was possible because he just felt warm inside at Ian's words, his touches and the way he looked at him too. It wasnt something he was used to because he was too used to being looked at like he was a piece of shit and being told he was worth nothing and waste of oxygen especially by his father.

Mickey thought no one cared about him or would ever love him because he thought he wasnt good enough. But seeing the way Ian was looking at him right now made him think he was good enough for Ian. He realized he was someone to Ian and that was all that mattered but he just wished he could believe it because he never thought he would be anything to anyone. He was broken from his thoughts when Ian rolled them over and lay on top of him kissing him and touching him all over as they became more intimate.

Mickey kissed Ian back just as intensely while lightly gripping Ian's hips and moving so Ian was lying between his legs and slightly laughed when Ian slightly groaned and looked at him slightly raising his eyebrow. Mickey rolled his eyes as he looked at Ian with a smirk of his own slightly raising his eyebrow before leaning up to kiss Ian again running his hands all over Ian as something inside of him told him that Ian would make him believe it eventually as every part of him just craved Ian and something told him Ian felt the same way too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really struggling to finish this story probably because it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Also I wrote this chapter and the last one after episode 10 which was why they were so easy to write because the motivation was high after those scenes. But after episode 11 which just killed me I am struggling to write anything because I just feel so pissed off over it all because it could have been so much better. I have a third chapter written but I am not happy with it so for now I am leaving it as 2 chapters unless I can make it a better third chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and hope you liked it.


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